best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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