I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
