just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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