this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
