Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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