is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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