Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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