he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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