it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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