Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
