Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think my moral compass just broke
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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