I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
