I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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