the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
