just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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