New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
