I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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