I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
