guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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