i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
