someone threw a dead crab at me
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
