So drunk its hurt
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
