I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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