Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I look better un-naked...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
