i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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