Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
