you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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