John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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