dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
