Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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