Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
