she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
