I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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