one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
