I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
