I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
