I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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