My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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