i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
