People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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