It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
