Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
