grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
