my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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