I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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