Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
