She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
