Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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