we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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