Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
